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07 July 2010 @ 01:10 am
14 June 2010 @ 11:55 pm
It's been a while.   A long while.  Yet here I am.  I went through a period of time where I withdrew into myself.  I moved out of family's home.  I am changing the name of this blog, because I have changed.  What I was going for this blog, is in effect, the same, but it has changed with me. Anyways, back onto my entry.

It is strange, that our minds can come up with such fantasies.  Better yet that we can believe it.  Sometimes these fantasies of our mind can be truly outlandish, sometimes our beliefs are so strong it can affect us physically: i.e. a woman believing she is pregnant and believing in it so much, that she will show the symptoms, even though there is no baby in her womb.  There are people who are utterly paranoid, yet they believe in that paranoia so badly, that it affects them.  Our minds, will give us illusions; we can even believe in them with a situation.  Yet when I talk about these illusions, everyboy knows that these people are being crazy.  

Our minds, can, and will hold illusions, fantasies, that we do not realize because of how realistic they are.  Let me tell you a story to illustrate this.

There was this girl and her family, but the girl did not feel loved by her family.  She pretended she didn't care, she pretended that the love of her friend's were just enough.  Along came a boy, she believed she was in love with him.  She believed he was the one.  She movies in with the boy and realizes that not everything is picture perfect as she imagined everything would be.

Like that.  People get caught up so much in 'the one,' their 'soulmate' or whatever they are going to call it these days, I think they are calling it 'twin flame.' It is also known as the fairy tale of, prince sweeps princess of her feet takes her to a better life and live happily ever after.  Everybody wants a happily every after, thus, many fall in fantasy.  A fantasy, so real, so natural, but it is of the mind.  It is only a making of the mind, because you want to be that happy.

Our mind helps make what reality as it is.  Oh, I am not talking about making a chair all of a sudden look purple, but it's about a perception of the world.  You could probably convince yourself that the chair is purple, when it is blue.  Well maybe that isn't the best...example, since what we call green, may not really be green in reality.

The point is, we can trick our minds.  We can believe what we want to believe.  It does not matter if someone says that is not how it is.  It does not matter that even with an ultrasound the woman will still believe she is carrying that baby.  It is a very illogical way we can think.  Humans are reasoning creatures yes, but the mind...is something all together different on top of all the chemicals that go through our body/brain.

I think I am beginning to ramble, haha.

I have believed in an illusion that has happened in my life and now I am being disillusioned.  I will explain next entry, but for now this will do.
Musique:: Grifta Ft. Cl Smooth - Perfect Timing
31 March 2010 @ 12:46 pm
I am very busy.  I am in the process of moving.  I should have left monday but due to a freak rainstorm that has lead to major flooding in my state and surrounding areas, leading to roads shut down and mine flooded so bad.  So peace out, my last entry for the month!
26 March 2010 @ 02:09 pm
Is one really free?  Can one be considered free if they exist?  Is one considered free if they don't exist?  How then can you not exist?

-Thus a curious conversation formed in irc chat last night.

Well existence has patterns.  Life follows specific patterns.  Our genetic code is a pattern.  Our personality patterns generally are formed with our childhood with how we are treated by our parents.  Even if one breaks free of certain patterned behaviors, we are all conditioned in some way, right?  Certain people think abnormally, but even the abnormal people have a pattern right?

Order is pattern extreme.  Order creates pattern so everything functions in a certain way.  Every part is designated to a certain function. Chaos I would assume is like quantum physics from what little I remember of it.  I remember it from Discovery Channel, how the guy went to the 'Quantum bar' and asked for an OJ and the lady said "I'll try."  Chaos is like...mix and match...well okay I am not the best person to explain chaos.  Chaos may have patterns in itself, but it is not as finite as Order.  It isn't extreme like order.  Well I'm a bit out of depth here with talking about chaos.

So....would you be truly free if you didn't exist?  Or would you even be free if you released yourself, your energy back into the universe?  Or are you bound to the universe? Any thoughts on this?
25 March 2010 @ 12:09 am
This is a personal ramble of mine.  A more personal entry.

I fear.  Oh, it is not like some whacked out fears as I had as a young impressionable child.  It is a fear I have not realized until now and I also realize how much it has paralyzed me.  I am glad I realized it even if it stinks, because to be honest, it has hindered me.  This knowledge was always at the back of my mind.  I have known it in the back of my mind and on some level I know I understood this.  Yet until now, I have not noticed.

So the question is, what do I fear?  It is not one for a good laugh, but I fear believing in some delusion.  I fear becoming irrational.  I fear that I will become 'mad' like some mad scientists, even though his experiments have failed but he has believed his experiment actually worked!  This is the delusional I am scared of.  I think that is the best way to put it.  I have no words to explain it properly.

How is this hinderance?  Again, it is hard to explain.  Do I delve off and let myself accept the supposed hallucinations I have, even if it is from insight?  Do I accept that some of the voices I hear are actual diversions of my consious self?  Okay, that came out wrong.  Let me try agian, do I accept that the voices I hear are part of me, that I form like a "we" inside like Peter Carroll from Apophenion. Am I mentally ill?  Well, maybe.  Am I sane?  I wouldn't know.  How can one judge sanity?  I do not know.

Am I scared?  Yes.  I do not want someone to consider myself a fluffy bunny like in the otherkin community.  Being afraid...it is what holds me back from pursuing a life of magic(k) to it's fullest.  It is what holds me back spiritualy.  I stare at that cliff.  Should I take that leap?  Will I make it across to the other side? It seems like a wide gap.  I know it probably is not a cliff, but again it's a good way for me to describe to make someone out there understand.  I am not sure how to explain it, but I look from one end to the other, I am frightened.  I am scared.  To my very core.  Yet I want to pursue this.  Of course it has been holding me back from the beginning.  But then again, I was not as spiritually advanced as I am now.

How do I overcome it?  I am not sure.  I am staring at a mathematical problem, I don't know how to solve.  Maybe it is like that leap of faith, I have the answer, I am just over complicating it?  Or maybe it is that letting go?  I am letting go and mutating into something far more alien than I have been before?  I am not afraid of personal scarfice.  I am not afraid of others thinking I am crazy.  'Cause maybe I am.

Let me explain about delusions.  When I was a child, I got lost in a mall because I got distracted by a computer game.  So I wondered about.  I got very upset and confused.  I went out to where my parents were packed, thinking they were there or wondering if they had left me behind.  Yes, very childish I know, but I was like 5 or under then.  Anyways I find this black lady.  She guides me back to my parents.  When I turned around, she was gone.  Of course my parents say she wasn't there...but I have always insisted she was.  Or what about the voices in my head that have saved me from getting into an accident or something?  Hallucinations, delusional, whatever.  To me they have been very real.  Maybe it is like quantum physics.

I am not sure.  How do I overcome this?  How do I go beyond this?  It is a very real problem for me.  The only person I fear to lose is the one I love.  The only way I think he and I will ever lose each other is to death.  This is where I sigh and wonder.  Maybe I shall I figure out this problem.  I hope to. 

So this is part of my set of goals for myself.  I want to find an inner peace, a peace that no one can disturb.  I want to take that leap to go beyond.  I want to learn how to heal and learn natural medicine.  I also want to go for Nursing and Graphic Design.  Since art is what I love!

I probably did not make a lot of sense.  It is okay.  I have no way to describe what has gone beyond words.  I 'see' in my head.  I understand in my 'heart.'  But I have no way of telling you what I feel, what my lover also feels, for we are going through the same dilemma.  Who knows?  Maybe he and I will solve it together.

"Watch your fears become your god."  A message.  Somehow.  Someway.  Not sure who it was meant for.  But it is okay.
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24 March 2010 @ 01:10 am
First let me state that I am not looking for approval.  I am not going, lookie I am special!  I am not complaining.  This is more of...introducing a topic not well known.  It is about saying, LOOKIE THIS IS ME!  This is who I am.  Just take it or leave it.  It is not a problem for me.  Got a problem with it?  Leave me the hell alone.  Let us begin with the real entry now:

Since my blog is about things often misunderstood (or I like to think that it is) I want to talk about a topic very dear to my heart.  Asexuality.  Let me explain why.

But first let me explain asexuality.  Asexuality can mean a lot of things to someone is asexual.  What it boils down to is thus: an asexual person is not sexually attracted to another being.  It doesn't mean asexual people will not love, will not have sex, will not masturbate...the likes.  Asexual is not a choice about celibacy.  It has nothing to do with past experiences like being abused, etc. AVEN is a good community about asexual people and how they are like.

I have been having conversations lately about asexuality.  I am asexual.  No, I am not pansexual.  Being pansexual would count that I am attracted to anyone.  Bisexual could mean that I am attracted to male and female.  Heterosexual, well I am not attracted to men.  No, I am not a lesbian either.  I do however, find women to be more atheistically beautiful and man's physique to be more grotesque. Hey, I can't help it if I think a penis is gross.  It has nothing to do with me being a so-called feminist, because I am not a feminist.  Well I don't think I am.  I may agree on certain issues, but this is besides the point. 

One of these conversations, a guy friend and I had a disagreement.  He said "sex matters" but I disagree in my case.  Sex is not on my mind.  Sex is not my prerogative.   I can be intimate with someone and NOT have sex.  Sure humans are animal in a sense, they are built to, excuse me, fuck.

This does not make me a better person.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I am not coming out of some closet in my eyes.  I am cool with people having sex and lust.  Yes, okay, I do not understand. It does not make me a better person.  I do not feel the lack of it in my life.  Nor do I care for it to be in my life. 

I have the same needs as everyone else out there.  I want to have friends.  I want to be loved.  I enjoy intimacy.  I like boys telling me how pretty I am and wanting to ask me out.  I develop some called crushes.  I think emo boys are cute.  I think Legalos as a character is pretty.  I think the Graverobber's voice from Repo! The Genetic Opera is utterly sexy.  I've had sex. I am very normal, in a sense, besides not having actual lust or being attracted to someone.  I guess according to wikipedia I would be considered a polyromantic or biromantic.  Whether you are male, female, transgender, or wtf, for me it is about love, not lust, and never lust.

It is frustrating for the one I love.  Of course he's a guy with sex on the brain.  I am attracted to him intellectually despite the bag of problems he has (but I have my own too).

I am...normal.  In a sense.  To a point.  I guess most people would not consider me normal at all considering many things about me, including me being asexual.  But that is okay.  Because you know what?  While I see the flaws (like I am a prideful person, I like my so-called feathers to be preened) I think there is nothing wrong with me.  I am slowly getting to a point where I have reached an inner peace.  I can hope I get to be so tranquil that no matter what happens, I am unshakeable.  That is my goal. So far.  But enough chit chat for this entry!
23 March 2010 @ 09:35 am
Haha, I was doing so well at the beginning of this month!  Oh well...now time for this entry =)

We keep so much shit with us, under our beds, in our closets, in our desk, tucked away in corners.  When we clean up the supposed room with all this shit (as it can be any room of the house besides the bedroom) we clean around it.  It is our stuff right?  Even if we don't use it, right?  Even if we have no need for it, right?

Part of this realization and why I am writing this is because I am moving soon and I am cleaning so much out as I get ready to move.  I realize that I have papers, 'toys' and the likes that I do not use.  That I do not touch.  It does not mean I shall throw it all away, certain objects like the Final Fantasy Figurines, I am going to gift to my sister since she loves Final Fantasy.  The papers that have writing and such on them from my school days, are being shredded and thrown away. 

Yet we never throw away!

Part of us can be locked into not throwing away for whatever reason;  some person is a pack rat, another could be that they have trouble letting go, or the memories that a certain object will remind the owner of, and some people are just messy.  Me?  I just never saw it before.  I used to clean out my closet once a year, but in the past two years  I have not done much of that.  Yet even when I did, I never threw or gave away what I no longer needed.

I am not asking someone to live a more simple life with less objects, papers, and the like.  I like my 'stuff' thank you very much.  However, I also realize that being a pack rat is crap.  When you try to move you will have horrendous amounts of stuff to go through.  I know my parents when they finally move from this house will not only have what they have brought, but my mom's grandmother's stuff and my father's grandfather stuff.  All that furniture and the like has to go somewhere, right?

Maybe if we learned to be a little less pack rat-y and more clean, we would feel a bit more happier with our homes and make it easier to look clean.  Who knows?  Maybe being a pack rat has it's own luster when you find an object or paper that was from years ago.  Ah, for nostalgia!
18 March 2010 @ 02:28 pm
Wow...it's been a while since I posted and I was doing so good!

Reflection is part of a way to become an enlightened human being.  We constantly reflect upon the past, especially when dealing with situations.  We reflect on the past when we learned our lessons as a reminder.  Reflection has a good many uses for us all, however, I want to speak about how it is important to use to becoming enlightened.

Sometimes it's the little things.  It starts with an observation, like a butterfly not being able to fly in the wind.  It can be because you saw a bird fly into a window, or even watching ants on the ground.  These observations lead into a lengthy thought about what you saw, what it may mean, and it can lead into abstract thought.  These thoughts can lead down many different paths.  We both could observe the same event and yet our thought process, what we draw from what we observe will be so different.  We both could observe the butterfly in the wind, you may think it is fragile, what a delicate beauty and notice it's weakness.  Yet I could relate it to our lives, how we are struggling to get somewhere in life and the world may be like that great wind that we are struggling against as a butterfly.

Through our reflection of the world, we grow, sharing together our experiences make us all grow.  The input from others, widen our perspective.  We can all become enlightened.  Reflection is self-enlightenment.  You do not learn from a book, from someone's blog post, or a chat log you found.  You learn by yourself by contemplating the world around you.  The early philosophers did it, as did early mystics. 

I am currently reflecting on something myself.  When I take my showers, I take them really hot.  When I got in, after turning up the way I usually did, it was too hot.  So I turned it down to the middle but it didn't get to a comfortable temperature fast enough.  I turned it so that it was much colder.  Then it was too cold. I raised it up back to the middle and it was comfortable.  I slowly increased it back to the way I normally take my showers.  Then after a while I turned it back down towards the middle.  Then the water felt cold where it used to be warm.  It wasn't a bad cold.  I thought it was odd.

I thought I'd share the experience. I certainly have and I hope you may too.  I will not share my thoughts what I thought was behind my mind noticing it and my observations and conclusion.
13 March 2010 @ 10:21 am
I  do not hate any religion specifically.  Yes,  specific ones certainly bother me, but mostly it is the people who I despise.  Inherently there is not too much wrong with most religions.  What system works for one person, wouldn't work for another.  Satanism, Choate, ONA, Buddhism, stuff like that works for me, but none of the Abrahamic religions do not for me.  I respect them all.  I have been really lucky to meet some amazing Christians.  The guy who is my tattoo artist and who does my piercings, he is actually an intelligent being.  He is more intelligent than this Luciferian Satanist I met. He is more intelligent than some pagans or so-called otherkin people I have met.

Why do I defend religion?  I believe every path should be respected.  Religion, even if organized, is a start for spirituality.  Every person is individualized in their so called religion.  They tailor it to fit them more.  Obviously some religions are more uniform than say Paganism or Satanism.  For me, I find truth in every religion.  I recognize that what I consider truth, may not be your truth, or his, or hers, or theirs.  I also realize that it is a HUMAN who will take a religion like Christianity and use it to suit their purposes to even cause war, a good example are the crusades.  Nine crusades, most sanctioned by a pope, because someone wanted the Holy Land under Christian control.  Humans are inherently flawed and far from perfect.  I could create my own religion and tell my followers that their God/dess wants them to go to war with all religion.  I have my own agenda for saying it, or maybe I really did believe such as my 'God/dess' told me because that is what my subconscious really wants.  If that makes any sense? 

People use religion for their own purposes.  It doesn't make a religion wrong.  You got extremists Muslims who those of the Islamic faith actually denounce as not being a true Muslim.  The Catholic Church got rich off of 'indulgences' since people find it hard not to.  It was the people who made that decision to become an extremist, it was people of the Church who allowed such...crap to get involved with Christianity.  It was a decision of a King to go to war for the Holy Land.  It is the decision of the priest who molests little children.  We let these people color our lives in such negative ways.  We let society and Christianity say the LHP is evil.  That Satanism, ONA, Temple of Set, and such are evil.  They are not evil. They may seem enthralled with so-called debauchery. What they are about, as I know for Satanism and ONA is that it is about LIVING.  It is about enjoying life and it's pleasures.  It is not about denying our bodies like most RHP religions like Christianity focus on, like abstinence of sex, or new age stuff about becoming transcendental of the body.

Now that I have explained part of it...let me explain why I hate religion.

Religion is false.  It is not being spiritual.  I may claim Satanism as a religion, but I consider myself just 'spiritual.' I see myself as no true religion but a blend of them all.  Religion is name that is sometimes used as a title.  Religion is just words, not the action.  Thus the saying 'actions speak louder than words.'  One may go to church every Sunday but that does not make you a good Christian.  It doesn't mean so-called God will forgive you your sins because you remember him once a week.  Just because you study Wicca, does not make you a Wiccan.  It's walking the walk, not talking the talk. 

Religion can lead to spirituality.  It leads to a basic foundation which one will build upon.  When people don't walk and walk and they get unsatisfied they move onto something else.  It is like just staring at someone working out, staring does not teach you anything or do anything for your body.  However, it is saying lifting a 5 pound weight, sometimes you may go up to 10, but do you do the same amount of exercises every day or a better way, say you struggled to do 5 nose to ground push-ups, it may seem hard at first and then you get to where it's easy but you never do more than 5.  You are not going to get stronger or better if you only do 5 every day and never increase.  One also just cannot stop.  I used to be able to do 70 nose to ground push-ups, now I can barely do 5.  I stopped, I lost.  While I can probably quickly get back to the way, the more time passes the harder it can to get back into it.  Spirituality can lead to a similar state in martial arts.  You practice and you practice the same moves every single day, even after you learn new ones.  You learn to apply said new moves.  Because of this repetition, your body has memorized all these moves.  Spirituality can be like that, you develop a certain repetition depending upon what religion one was brought up with, or studies, or chooses to practice.  You cannot go back to the way you are after some time.

Most of any problems I have with religion is with the people itself.  I try to respect other religions, I certainly do not, will not, and shall not believe in a god who wants me to fear-adore him because I will go to hell otherwise.  I will not like any religion that says 'do not question.'  I'm not on a quest for religion or to find what fits.  I am on a quest to find my own Truth, to realize my universe, to acknowledge the cosmic entity, to become one and seek enlightenment.  It has led me through one religion to another.  Today I consider myself a Satanist (since people need to obviously have labels) but tomorrow I might consider myself a Buddhist. Or maybe in the future I'll be part of some new movement.  Who knows?

As I have said in the past, I know I have begun to develop strong spiritual beliefs and I am cool if I am wrong or if someone disagrees.  I hope someone disagrees and finds a fault in my beliefs, in what I think, so that I too may continue to grow.  I read blogs, I read psychology, but I never forget one thing, to walk the walk, to live the walk of my spiritual beliefs.  I carry no bright neon saying "LOOKIE HERE I AM _______ CONVERT OR ELSE!"  If you saw me on the streets, you would not recognize me as someone who considers herself  a Satanist...of course that would involve some stereotyping, but ah well!

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” - Buddha
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” - Buddha
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11 March 2010 @ 12:00 pm
Temptation comes in all forms for people, it could be because someone is a shopaholic or they play way to many video games, or drink to much soda, or eat to much junk food.  Everybody has at least one object/activity that they find hard to resist.  Sometimes the person does not realize they are addicted.  They do not consider that item, that activity, an addiction.  Addiction doesn't include just to alcohol or drugs.  Examples are certainly springing up all over about shopaholics and other activities besides alcohol and drugs.   Then there is indulgence.  Indulgence I do not consider the same.

From the Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary :
indulgence  - when you allow someone or yourself to have something enjoyable, especially more than is good for you
addictive - a)
An addictive drug is one which you cannot stop taking once you have started. b) describes an activity or food that you cannot stop doing or eating once you have started

Indulgence or addiction, neither is good.  Indulgence leads only to short temporary gratification and eventually it can lead into addiction, if indulgence is not resisted.  One may indulge in eating lots of chocloate to feel better, but a belly ache can appear later., give in too much and that person will put on the pounds.

That is why I disagree with the Church of Satan on, is indulgence.  Which is why I am writing this short entry.  How can indulgence be good?  Maybe every once in a while but the problem is that indulgence can lead to habit forming.  Addiction is terrible. I know because I have an addictive personality that when I do get addicted I begin to ignore everything else.  So I have to watch myself...I have my own issues, I won't lie.  I like to buy books, DVDs, and clothes and shoes.  I like to buy art supplies A LOT.  I like junk food.  I like soda.  Soda is bad for me.  Junk food is bad for me and I really should save my money and not spend it on so much stuff I do not need.  I am trying to get better, I am trying to save.  I know that when I get upset, I have a tendency to indulge myself which feeds my addiction.

I am responsible for my own deeds and no one else is.  I try to not be a slave to my desires.  I think PERSONALLY that while we all will face addiction and may have to fight it for the rest of our lives, what makes a human actually evolved is their ability to resist their temptations and their indulgences and actually moderate themselves.  A healthy life is led without being the slave to your addictions.  So I propose that people actually try to not to be a slave and get on with their lives.  They are is so much more to life than just a silly addiction.